On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.  The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
    He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
    Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
    Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.  The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your privates are under your pillow."

Submitted by Adidastar00

~~~~~

     Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
     In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
     Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
     Jim says,"I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
     Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
     "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
    "What's that?"
    "Have you farted yet?"
     "No....."
     "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

Submitted by WaxZCar

~~~~~

"One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down."  -- Steven Wright

~~~~~

Observations...
I finally figured out what 'Delta' stands for:
Don't Expect Legroom on This Airline.

~~~~~

    While sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system:
    "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."
    After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.

~~~~~

The FAA issued a new security measure starting January 1, 2000.  On every flight over two hours the pilots will have their picture taken every 15 minutes to make sure they are alert and in place. Here is a picture of some pilots adhering to the new security check:

Thumbnail View

Submitted by Seps32

~~~~~

Air Traffic Controllers

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners and control towers from around the world:

• The controller, working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

• A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

• Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!".
  Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
  Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

• - Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).
  - Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
  - Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
  - Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

• O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
  United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in my sights.

• The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
  Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
  Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
  The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
  Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
  Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
  Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
  Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes I have, Ground - in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."

~~~~~

You Know It's a "No Frills" Airline When...
Submitted by Cicec

• They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
• No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

~~~~~

You know it's a no frills airline when...
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

~~~~~

    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
    Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
    At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane moves down the runway.
    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardess for reassurance.
    Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.  Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
    Finally, when the airplane has 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborn.
    Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

~~~~~

Another Federal Police Force??

    Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
investigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service (SS) .
    Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
    Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? "F A T A S S"

~~~~~

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
    Dead silence followed.
    After a few minutes, the pilot came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. But, while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled the coffee all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
    A passenger in Coach shouted back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" 

~~~~~

~~~~~

~~~ Top - Directory ~~~

Humor about cars and driving has been moved to a new page -
Driving & Auto Humor

~~~ Top - Directory ~~~

A True Blonde Story

     A true story. If she had killed herself, she'd be a shoo-in for the Darwin Award (might be a problem in the gene pool).
     Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
     A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.  The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.
     He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Submitted by Rayes

~~~~~

  Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? 
 The survivors were marooned.

Submitted by Slgraber

~~~~~

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

Submitted by Slgraber

~~~ Top - Directory ~~~

Moving To Arizona
Author Unknown
Submitted by ARareJewel

May 30th
Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and sh*t. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th
Dry heat, my butt. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in dam* house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th
115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this state.

Aug 8th
If another wise azz cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Dam* heat . By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a freaking recording: Hot and Sunny. It's been too hot to make love for two dam* months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat!!

Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield.

That does it, we're moving to New York for some peace and quiet!

Author Unknown
Submitted by ARareJewel

~~~~~

     An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
     "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
     The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab
decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
     "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
     "How?" said the Aussie.
     "Scrambled," said the Chief.

Submitted by SandyD707

~~~~~

New State Slogans

• Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

• Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

• Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

• Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

• California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

• Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

• Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

• Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

• Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

• Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

• Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

• Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

• Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

• Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

• Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

• Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

• Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

• Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

• Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

• Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

• Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

• Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

• Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

• Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

• Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

• Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

• Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

• Nevada: Ladies of the Night and Poker!

• New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

• New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

• New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

• New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

• North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

• North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

• Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

• Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

• Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

• Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

• Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

• South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

• South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

• Tennessee: The Educashun State

• Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

• Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

• Vermont: Yep

• Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

• Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

• Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

• West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

• Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

• Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

Submitted by Seps32

~~~~~

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding service:

Gentlemen: 
I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, 
A Commuter

The Reply to the above: 
Dear Sir: 
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. 
Sincerely, 
Western Railways

And the Counter-Reply was: 
Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! 
Yours truly, 
A Commuter

Top of Page

Quick Links to ButlerWebs' 100's of Jokes & Cartoons Categories:
[Jokes - Home Page & Index]
[ Animals, Pets & Critters ] [ Automotive & Driving Humor ] [ Babyboomers, Over-The-Hill Humor - 4 Pages! ] [ Blonde Jokes & Riddles - 6 Pages! ] [ Bloopers, Funny Ads & Signs ] [ Brain Teasers - 2 Pages! ] [ Bumper Stickers - 2 Pages! ] [ Chick With Nice Knockers ] [ Christmas Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ COMIC CORNER - Featuring Cartoonists! ] [ Computer & Internet Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Diet, Exercise, Fitness Humor ] [ Divorce Humor ] [ Drinking, Party & Hangovers - 2 Pages! ] [ Driving A Car Humor ] [ Female Bashing ] [ Firefighters ] [ Grandparents ] [ Groaners & Puns - 2 Pages! ] [ Hunting, Fishing, Camping, Outdoors ] [ Insults, Pick-Up Lines, Come-Backs ] [ Kids Say The Funniest Things - 3 Pages! ] [ Lawyer Jokes - 2 Pages! ] [ Links to Other Humor Web Sites ] [ Little Johnny & Little Mary Jokes ] [ Male Bashing - 5 Pages! ] [ Mammogram & Menopause Humor ] [ Marriage & Relationships - 3 Pages! ] [ Medical & Dental Humor - 5 Pages! ] [ Military Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Parents, Grandparents & Kids - 2 Pages! ] [ Police Humor - 2 Pages! ] [ Pregnancy Humor ] [ Redneck Humor - 3 Pages! ] [ Religious Humor - 5 Pages! ] [ Riddles! ] [ Tax Time! Income Tax Humor ] [ Teachers, Students, Education - 2 Pages! ] [ Toilet & Bathroom Humor - 6 Pages! ] [ Travel Humor ] [ Word Humor & Funny Definitions ] [ Working Folks - Office Humor - 6 Pages! ] [ One-Liners ] [ Miscellaneous Humor - 2 Pages! ]

This page was last edited 11/02/04.

Humor, jokes and cartoons about traveling...by air, by bus, by car, by train, by water...any way with laughs!