You might be a Redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

~~~~~

     A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
     Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
     The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
     The waiter takes a bowl of BEANS to the trucker.
     He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
     The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

~~~~~

     An 80-year-old man went for his annual checkup, and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."
     The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
     The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
     The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
     The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns on the light for you?"
     "Yep," the old man said.
     The doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
     "Your husband's in fine physical shape," the doctor said, "but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
     "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So HE'S the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Submitted by Richie

~~~~~

The Sins Of Three Nuns

    There are three nuns and a Mother Superior.  The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test.  She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.
    After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?"  They all shake their heads yes.  The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.
    The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"
    The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden."
    The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright."  The third nun is dancing around in laughter.
    The Mother Superior asks the second one.  Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."
    The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.
    The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing.  The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
    The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, " I peed in the Holy Water."

~~~~~

What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.
What's dumber than that?
Reading them.
Even Dumber?
Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something that you've been doing wrong.

~~~~~

     A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
     The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. So Murphy says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hells that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine". Fair enough, says the boss.
     Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says " each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99.
     The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100". Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir 100."
     The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! got him this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred." Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"

Submitted by AA

~~~~~

Here's the poop on POOP
Someone has been kind enough to put some names to them...LOL!

GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.

CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOP: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOP: The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOP: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: The kind where you want to poop but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOP (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOP: This poop refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poop-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOP: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poop!

~~~~~

What did the maxi pad say to the fart? 
You are the wind beneath my wings.

~~~~~

     Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
     In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
     Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
     Jim says,"I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
     Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
     "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
    "What's that?"
    "Have you farted yet?"
     "No....."
     "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

Submitted by WaxZCar

~~~~~

Seen at a restaurant/gas station in Alabama:
"Eat here and get gas."

~~~~~

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

~~~~~

    A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.
    When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
    "Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
    "Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side".

~~~~~

    One night at about 3AM my wife had just finished using the bathroom and was about to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her. She of course froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing . . . Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
    This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side. This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.
     The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to bathroom

~~~~~

Things To Do In The Bathroom

• Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

• Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

• Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"

• Say, "Damn, this water is cold."

• Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantalope into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly.

• Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

• Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy boy!!"

• Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

• Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

• Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!"

• Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

• Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

~~~~~

According to the Xinhua news agency, more than 3 million Chinese drink their own urine, believing the practice improves health and longevity. At a recent health seminar, engineer Zhu Jinfu explained to participants that he had been drinking urine daily for 58 years and had lived a very healthy life, as the urine contains many ingredients which strengthen the immune system. Jinfu also stated that many of his forefathers had lived long lives, which he attributed to the same practice...

They lived ALONE, of course...

The question is, if you have to drink urine every day, how long would you really WANT to live?

~~~~~

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

~~~~~

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch Berries" can cause your stool to come out green.

~~~~~

We had so many links for other good Web sites with Toilet & Bathroom Humor
so we made a separate page!  See our special page for:
TOILET & BATHROOM LINKS

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This page was last edited 03/30/05.