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ButlerWebs welcomes you to... 100's of JOKES & CARTOONS Teachers, Students & Education Page 2 Jokes, Cartoons, Quips, One-Liners, and other funny stuff about teachers, students, education, going to school, etc. ENJOY! Link for Teachers, Students & Education Humor Page 1 Scroll down to see the jokes! Link for 100's of Jokes & Cartoons Home Page & Index     A child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"     The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." ~~~~~     According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.     Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.  She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.     Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers and then there are TEACHERS.  ~~~~~     Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."     From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda." ~~~~~     The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking." Submitted by Sparkegrl ~~~~~ There's more - keep scrolling!

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Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

Submitted by Zaxgram

~~~~~ 

"Three Little Pigs"

    My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
    One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, '...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?' Then the teacher asked the class, 'And what do you think that man said?'
    My friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said, 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Submitted by Gr8SmokyMt

~~~~~

    The final exam in electrical engineering worried my son, Don.  On the last day of class, the professor wished the students luck as he wrote a phone number on the blackboard. "If any of you have difficulty understanding the review material, call this number," he said as he dismissed the class.
    On Saturday afternoon, stumped by one of the review problems, Don reached for the phone and heard a recorded message from Dial-A-Prayer.

~~~~~

Fun Things For A Professor To Do

This is a list of fun things professors can do to for fun on the first day of class.

• Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

• After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

• After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

• Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

• Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

• Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy."

• If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

• Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

• Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

• Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

• Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

• Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

• Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

• Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

• Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

• Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering Simps would know," and move on before anyone can answer.

• Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

• Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

• Address students as "worm."

• Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

• Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

• Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blow torch.

• Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

• Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

• Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

• Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

• Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

• Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

• Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

• Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

• Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

• Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

• Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

• Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

• Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

• Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

• Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

• Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

• Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

• Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

• Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

• Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

• Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

• Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

• Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

• Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

• Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

• Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

• Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

Author Unknown

~~~~~

    In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
    A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

~~~~~

    A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
    Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
    The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

~~~~~

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
    Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
    "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
    "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your
chickens until they hatch."
    "That was a fine story Lucy." "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm; her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun; a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break; then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.  She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
    "Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

Submitted by Shortstop18

~~~~~

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers." -- Woody Allen

~~~~~

    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
    Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.  "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.
    "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Submitted by Seps32

~~~~~

    As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team. One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
    "How old are you?" I typed.
    "Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
    Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight." --R.D.

~~~~~

~~~~~

Answering Machine At School Author Unknown - From Forwarded E-Mail

This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the answering machine message for a school: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do - Press 3 To cuss out staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and  responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!

~~~~~

The Power of Persuasion

    A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
    After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
    This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of Math.
    Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?," the father asked.
    The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
    "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
    "No."
    "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
    "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

~~~~~

Teacher to father at conference: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

~~~~~

RoboTeacher

    A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the 
upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. 
    On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found 
himself assigned to the toughest students in school. 
    Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
    He had no trouble with discipline that term.

~~~~~

    The sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? "
    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" 
    With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and 
asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" "Anybody?"
    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
    (1) you have a dirty mind,
    (2) you didn't read your homework, and
    (3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

Compliments of AlphaArs

~~~~~

     A Kindergarten teacher was walking around the classroom observing the students while they were drawing.  Stopping at the desk of one little girl who was working hard on her drawing, the teacher asked what the girl was drawing. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
     The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
     Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Inspiration & Motivation Thoughts... "I've learned that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person." -- Andy Rooney

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