Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
    "Jus' some chickens."
    If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
    "Shoot, if ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
    "OK. Ummmmm...five?"

~~~~~

    A Hillbilly went to a bar. He took a seat next to a gorgeous woman. Looking at her closer, he decided he'd like to get to know her, so he moved his barstool closer.
    She looked at him, and said "You're wasting your time. I'm a Lesbian."
    The Hillbilly asked "What's a Lesbian?"
    The Lesbian said "You see that bargirl over there? If I had her at my place, I'd remove all her clothes." The Lesbian proceeded to tell the Hillbilly exactly what she'd do, with what part of her body, for how long, to the bargirl.
    The Hillbilly sat stunned for a minute, and moved his stool back where it was. In a minute, the Lesbian looked at him. He had big Crocodile tears flowing down his cheeks.
    She said "What's the matter with you?"
    He said "I think I'm a Lesbian too!"

~~~~~

    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
    Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

~~~~~

Visitor:  Is this a healthy place to live?
Redneck:  Yup!  When I arrived here I couldn't walk or eat solid food.
Visitor:  What was the matter with you?
Redneck:  Nuttin'.  I was born here.

Submitted by RH

~~~~~

A "Love" Story

    Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.  "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
    The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
    "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler' Wooooo! Wooooo ! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
    Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.  He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
    The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Kawabonga!!  Weee Doggies!!  Look at the size of this cave!  It's much bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
    He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
    He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
    With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
    The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read:  "Naked Hillbilly Run Over by Freight Train."

Submitted by Froglady

~~~~~

    A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
    "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
    "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

~~~~~

    After having their 11th child, an Tennessee couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Tenn.), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
    The Tennessean said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going    to help me."  So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
    The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Tennessee. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can,  hold it to his ear and count to 10.
    Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2, 3, 4, 5 . .  ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
    This medical procedure also works in Alabama, Virginia, West Virginia and Kentucky and Arkansas and is sure to be a great success in Palm Beach County Florida.

~~~~~

    "Hello, is this the FBI?"
    "Yes. What do you want?"
    "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
    The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
    The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
    "Yeah!"
    "Did they chop your firewood?"
    "Yep."
    "Happy birthday, Buddy"

~~~~~

~~~~~

Paintball Hillbilly

    Late one Friday afternoon, our friend Billy Hill went hunting for deer.
    "Hey ma, grab me my huntin' gun! I'm going to get me some 'o those deers!"
    Ma hands Billy a gun.
    "Billy Bob Hill, now don't go doin' somethin' stupid like shootin' yerself in the eye with that there gun!"
    "Ok Mama."
    Five hours later, Billy comes home with his deer.
    "Hey Mama, I got somethin' to tell ya!"
    "Did ya shoot yerself in the eye?"
    "No mama!"
    "Then who'd ya shoot this time? It wasn't Joe from down the street was it? Cause ifin' it was, his daddy's gonna beat your butt an' I ain't gonna stop him!"
    "No! I got the purdiest deer anybodys ever seen 'round these parts!"
    "Let me take a look at that there deer, Billy!"
    Mama Hill stares at the deer when Billy brings it in.
    "Sure has a purdy coat, don't it Ma? Darn thing sure was hard to kill though! After I shot it a few dozen times, the darn thing still didn' wanna die! So's I got up and beat it with the butt'a my gun! Hey Ma, what kinda gun is that, anyways? It's got some funny colored bullets!"
    "Oh, Billy, that ain't no huntin' gun! That's your daddy's paintin' gun!"

Submitted by "~anonymous"

~~~~~

    A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno.  I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
    The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....

~~~~~

You Know You're A Redneck When…

• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

• You burn your yard rather than mow it.

• You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

• You have a refrigerator just for beer.

• You think the Bud Bowl is real.

• Your dog goes "oink!"

• Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

• You know how to milk a goat.

• Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

• Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

• You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

• Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

• You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

• You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

• You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

• The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

• You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

• Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

• You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

• You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

• Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

• You come back from the dump with more than you took.

• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

• You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

• You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

• Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

• You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

• You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

• You have a rag for a gas cap.

• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

• You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

• You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

• You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

• The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

• Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

• You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

• You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

• You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

• You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

• Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

More Redneck Humor From ButlerWebs:
[ Redneck Jokes - Page 1 ]
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Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? 
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

We had so many Redneck Riddles, we made a separate page!
Go to REDNECK RIDDLES

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This page was last edited 08/02/04.