Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

~~~~~

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

~~~~~

Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had?
They're no longer on a first-name basis.

~~~~~

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.

~~~~~

If you take a shower in the morning be sure to bring it back,
  someone else might need it!!

~~~~~

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

~~~~~

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

~~~~~

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

~~~~~

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

~~~~~

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

~~~~~

Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

~~~~~

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

~~~~~

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

~~~~~

You know you are over-the-hill when you're just too tired to climb one!

~~~~~

Why is stuff sent on ships called "cargo" and UPS sends "shipments?"

~~~~~

Never criticize your wife's faults.
It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.

~~~~~

For Sale: One computer slightly used.  One bullet hole in screen.

~~~~~

If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, does that mean I killed somebody?

~~~~~

What's the speed of dark?

~~~~~

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

~~~~~

It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home.

~~~~~

Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?

~~~~~

I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.

~~~~~

At age 66 I'm bisexual.  I said bye to sex.

~~~~~

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.

~~~~~

"It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall."

~~~~~

Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."

~~~~~

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn't it #1?

~~~~~

The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the roof?"

~~~~~

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

~~~~~

Help Wanted - Psychic - you know where to apply.

~~~~~

Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

~~~~~

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

~~~~~

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

~~~~~

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

~~~~~

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

~~~~~

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

~~~~~

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.

~~~~~

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

~~~~~

The 50-50-90 Rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

~~~~~

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

~~~~~

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

~~~~~

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

~~~~~

The things that come to those that wait
may be the things left by those who got there first.

~~~~~

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

~~~~~

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

~~~~~

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

~~~~~

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use one.

~~~~~

When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.

~~~~~

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

~~~~~

T-Shirts Slogans

If They Don't Have Chocolate in Heaven, I Ain't Going

(Seen on a "well-tattooed" man): No, It Doesn't Hurt

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

~~~~~

And the Master of One-Liners...
George Carlin

• How come wrong numbers are never busy?

• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

• Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

• Does killing time damage eternity?

• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

• Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

• Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

• Daylight savings time.  Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

• Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?

• Do pilots take crash-courses?

• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

• How can there be self-help "groups"?

• How do you get off a non-stop flight?

• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

• How many weeks are there in a light year?

• If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

• If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

• Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

• Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

~~~~~

More George Carlin

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

• How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

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This page was last edited 08/02/04,