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Custom and
Artistic
Welding Services
Silhouettes
Metal Cut-Outs
 
Sports,
flowers, pets, animals, horses, dogs, cats, hunting,
fishing, etc. Custom metal cutouts.
Gifts for hunters, sports fans, pet lovers, and more.
Pete's Artistic Welding Service
Commercial
&
Artistic Welding Services
Oneida Valley
Road
Butler, PA
724-283-5022
MianosWelding.com |
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One day the seven dwarfs came home from a long, hard day working in
the mine and decided to relax in their hot-tub. So they put on their swim trunks, grabbed their beers and hopped in. They sat in the hot-tub
drinkin' until they started to feel happy.
So Happy left.
~~~~~
Mattel has released an Elizabeth Taylor doll,
with the Oscar-winning actress depicted in a semi-sheer chiffon violet gown with
a real crystal drop necklace...
... fifth of bourbon and sleeping pills sold separately...
... She comes with seven ex-Kens...
~~~~~
A fellow from Boston named Lance
Couldn't walk well or run well or dance.
It troubled his mind
Till he happened to find
That his necktie was caught in his pants.
~~~~~
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the man led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my talking clock," the man replied.
"How does it work?" asked one of his friends.
"Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey jerk! It's 2 in the freaking
morning!"
~~~~~
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The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be
cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the
members of the village were to collect firewood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called
the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold
indeed." Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is
it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the Weather Service
again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting fire
wood like crazy!"
Compliments of Steffanchi
~~~~~
McDonalds In Court
SUE! The McDonalds Hot Coffee Nightmare just goes on and on and on!
The latest to sue is a woman in Murphysboro, Illinois.
She claims coffee scalded her ankle when it spilled in her
car. She's claiming $450,000. She's suing the restaurant manager, McDonalds, and
the makers of the paper cup. Mentioned as potential defendants are: The coffee manufacturer, the plantation in South America which grew
the coffee beans, the guy who ground the coffee beans, the manufacturer of the coffee grinder, the company that canned the
coffee, the trucking company that shipped the coffee to McDonalds, the manufacturer of the coffee maker that boiled the water, the paper
company that made the filter that filtered the coffee, the plumber who installed the pipes so that water is available in McDonalds, the
electrician who installed the electrical outlet the coffee maker was plugged into, the employee who handed her the coffee, the employees
parents for not teaching their offspring to warn people about hot coffee, the manufacturer of the glass in the drive-thru window through
which the coffee was handed to her, ... and of course ' Ronald McDonald ' for enticing her into a store
which sells dangerous products to women drivers.
~~~~~
ANDY ROONEY on Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk
off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to
get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
~~~~~
Don't spend $2.00 to dry clean
a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.
They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Submitted by
CRE43
~~~~~
Benefit of Being Female:
Our boyfriend's clothes make
us look elfin and gorgeous.
Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
Submitted by
SEPS32
~~~~~
Peter Marshall's List
of Favorite Answers from "Hollywood Squares":
According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like
to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The
Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver -- that's why they asked the question.
What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.
Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?
James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says
it was "one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen
them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at
full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.
You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.
True or false: Many people sleep better in their street
clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.
According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the
one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
When you give a waitress a "tip," the letters T-I-P stand for something.
What?
PAUL LYNDE: This is pastrami!!?
Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
PAUL LYNDE: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.
Submitted by YingHouse
MORE! - Submitted by L&B
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than
one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting
"Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the
movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect
light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
~~~~~
|
How to tell when you've had too much of the 90's:
- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
- You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask
"Wanna go for a drink?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes."
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America,
but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
- You consider US Mail painfully slow and call it
"snail mail."
- Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
- You hear all good jokes via email instead of in person.
- When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone with your company's name.
- When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
- You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your
best jokes.
- Temps in your department outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
- Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries annual budgets combined.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
- The intern gets a brand new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while
yours powers
up.
- Being sick is defined as 'you can't walk' or 'you're in the hospital.'
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
- There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff
members your department is short, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
- Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few
minutes... Could you fit this in?... in your spare time... when you're freed
up... I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you.
- Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you didn't even know had started is leaving.
- You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
- Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
- The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
- You only have make-up for fluorescent lighting.
- You've run out of family member's birthdays to use for all of the ATM and banking
PINs, email passwords, computer codes, and voicemail ID's you need to remember.
- You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
- As you read this list, you thought about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
- It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.
Submitted by Seps32
|
~~~~~
Well, you never know...
A strikingly-handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood
agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's
slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of
an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the young man.
"I dare say - - I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change
your name."
"Sir," the young man protested, "the Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grand-father's and his father's before him. We have
carried this name proudly for generations, and I will not change it for Hollywood or
any other reason"
"If that is your position, then I cannot represent you," the agent replied.
"Then I bid you farewell, sir, because my name will not change!"
With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agent's office, never to
return.
Five Years Later...
The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail to find mostly junk mail,
trade journals and the like. However, there was one piece of mail which appeared
to be a personal letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from its folds and
onto his desk. He was very surprised to see the check was for $50,000 dollars!
He read the letter:
Dear Sir:
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become
an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried by my family for generations
and angrily left your office. However, after some time passed and I was unsuccessful in my career, I reconsidered my hastiness and decided to heed your
advice. I changed my name and am now a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back
to my meeting with you and your advice that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my
humble thanks, for it was your idea which ultimately brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke
~~~~~
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
~~~~~
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America 2001
Let's see if I understand how America works lately...
- If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
- If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
- If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
- If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
- If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
- If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
- If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
- If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
- And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
~~~~~
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Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Submitted by MoodyBluze
~~~~~
A woman was shopping at her
local supermarket, where she selected a
quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was
unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind
her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled, looked at her the four items on
the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said,
"Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."
~~~~~
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of: "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE -- UHHHGGG!!" ... all night long!
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
~~~~~
Stressful Week
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered,
the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a
quick contest, whose theme was Viagra Advertising Slogans. Dividing into 10 groups of three,
the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of
Viagra.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created
a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
10) Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!
9) Viagra, The Quicker Pecker Upper
8) Viagra, Like A Rock!
7) Viagra, When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be There Tonight.
6) Viagra, Be All That You Can Be
5) Viagra, Reach Out And Touch Someone
4) Viagra, Strong Enough For A [Woman], But Made For A [Man].
3) Viagra, Tastes Great!.....More Filling!
2) Viagra, We Bring Good Things To Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1) This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
Submitted by Sassy
~~~~~
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How To Speak Chinese (Read These Outloud)
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
- That's not right: Sum Ting Wong.
- Are you hiding a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding.
- See me ASAP: Kum Hia
Nao.
- Stupid Man: Dum Gai.
- Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni.
- Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan.
- I bumped into a coffe table: Ai Bang Mai Ni.
- I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat.
- It's very dark in here: Wao So Dim.
- I thought you were on a diet: Wai Yu Mun
Ching?
- This is a tow away zone: No Pah King.
- Our meeting is scheduled for next week: Wai Yu Kum
Nao?
- Staying out of sight: Lei Ying Lo.
- He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka.
- Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki
Pu.
Submitted by Kris
|
~~~~~~
Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of water-skis?
She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a
small country.
~~~~~
Colin Knows Everyone
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Colin how about Tom
Cruise?' 'Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, 'Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!'
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, just name anyone else,' Colin says.
'President Clinton,' his boss quickly retorts. 'Yes,' Colin says, 'I know
him, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, 'Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.
'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Colin. 'My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a
long time.' So off they fly to Rome.
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Colin says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.' And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the
balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss'
side, Colin asks him, 'What happened?'
His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next
to me said, 'Who the ####'s that on the balcony with Colin?'
From E-mail Newsletter from www.AGiftOfPoetry.com
~~~~~
A Day at the Golf Course
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf
course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the wife said, 'Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, not to slice and knock out
any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.'
The husband tee'd up and sure enough sliced it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The wife cringed and said,
'I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much its going to cost us.'
They walk up, knock on the door, and heard a voice say, 'Come
on in.
'They opened the door and saw glass all over the place and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke the window?'
'Uh, yes, sorry about that', the husband replied.
'No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm
allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself,' the genie said.
'OK,' the husband said. 'I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem - it's the least I can do. And what do you want?' the genie said looking at the wife.
'I want a house in every country of the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said.
'And what's your wish, Genie?' the husband said.
'Well, since I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Well, we are going to get a lot of money and all those houses, dear. I guess I wouldn't mind.'
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was all over; the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and
said, 'How old is your husband anyway?'
'35,' she said.
'No Shit! And he still believes in genies?'
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