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Mexican Bungee
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to
the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an
elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a
few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a
'pinata'?"
~~~~~
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"
Submitted by HomeRn123
~~~~~
Groaner...
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Submitted by Cicec
(For more Groaners, see our separate
Jokes page...GROANERS!)
~~~~~
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your
chickens until they hatch."
"That was a fine story Lucy." "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm; her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun; a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break;
then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
Submitted by Shortstop18
For more humor about teachers, students and
education,
see our separate page for: TEACHERS, STUDENTS &
EDUCATION
~~~~~
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...eventually."
-- Steven Wright
~~~~~
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Wedding Gift Ideas
Bridal Party and Attendant Gifts |
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~~~~~
Real Signs From Around the World
Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
At a Laundry Shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge,
close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door
"Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
~~~~~
A class of elementary students wanted to make a planter to take home and wanted to have a plant that was easy to take care of in it so it was decided to use cactus plants. The students planted the cactus seeds in the planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home.
You will see the answer as to why they couldn't take the cactus home
below:
Thumbnail View
~~~~~
Hairdresser
A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
"We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste....."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."
A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where did you get that lousy hairdo?"
Submitted by BabyGrand
~~~~~
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This page was last edited 05/11/06,
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