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Only in America do we have a General in charge
of the post office and a Secretary in charge of defense.
~~~~~
A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped
out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
~~~~~
A corporal needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change
for a dollar. He saw a private mopping the floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private replied, "Sure."
The corporal gave him an icy stare. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer!
Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private replied, "No, SIR!"
~~~~~
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he
heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all
heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small
voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
~~~~~
There's more - keep
scrolling!
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Dear China,
We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.
We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus
1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan...since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.
We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)
In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.
Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.
Sincerely,
The People of the United States of America
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Submitted by Phil & Kara
~~~~~
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
~~~~~
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your
chickens until they hatch."
"That was a fine story Lucy." "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm; her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun; a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break;
then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
Submitted by Shortstop18
~~~~~
Saddam Hussein was sitting in
his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo!
Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in
County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed
important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a
moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door
neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1
million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you
back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam
asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and
Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has
increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you
back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge
team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must
tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack
planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile
sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have
to ring you back.
"Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the
war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and
there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."
Compliments of Moody
~~~~~
Did You
Know?
The term "the whole 9 yards" came
from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the
ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being
loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the
whole 9 yards."
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~~~~~
My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage
of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police
officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery
"Good morning!"
"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"
~~~~~
Only in America can a homeless combat veteran
live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
~~~~~
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Ways to Amuse Yourself During A Military Urinalysis
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Ask your observer if he wants to race.
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Wear a diaper.
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Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.
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Inquire about a "take home cup."
-
Get your privates stuck in your zipper.
-
After four-and-a-half hours of holding it, pee so hard you knock the cup out of your hand.
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When the nurse asks you to witness the cup being empty, insist that you have to stick your finger in there to "check it out for yourself."
-
When they call your name, walk to the counter looking really concerned. Calmly explain to the nurse that you haven't studied for this test, and want to know if there's any extra credit.
-
Put some water in your boot before the test. When you get to the peeing part, take off your boot, pour it into the cup, and shamefully say that you just couldn't wait.
-
Ask the observer to slap you on your rear-end a few times, just to get things going for you.
-
Bring a drink umbrella for your cup.
-
Since this person has probably seen a lot of people pee, ask him how you measure up.
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Before you start, self-check for hernias (turn, cough, etc...)
-
Wear a condom.
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~~~~~
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
Submitted by Shortstop18
~~~~~
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
~~~~~
Getting the Ship Under Way
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under
way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under
way.
The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
~~~~~
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Links & Other Information |
America Supports You
Spotlighting what Americans are doing in support of the military,
encouraging others to thank the troops
and allowing all to tell their stories
by giving voice and visibility to their efforts.
THANK THE TROOPS
www.americasupportsyou.mil
~~~~~
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This page was last edited 05/11/06.
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