Sorry guys!  There is just too much good stuff out there not to devote several pages to this subject.  But to be fair, we made a Female Bashing page as well!

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

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What's the worthless piece of skin hanging off the end of a penis?
A man.

Submitted by Irene

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How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

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How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

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How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.

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How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.

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What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.

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What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

~~~~~

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

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What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

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What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

~~~~~

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
Submitted by SandyD707

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What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

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What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

~~~~~

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

~~~~~

When would you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

~~~~~

Why are men like guns?
Keep one around long enough, and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.

~~~~~

Why are men like laxatives? 
They can irritate the crap out of you.

~~~~~

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

~~~~~

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

~~~~~

Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

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Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Submitted by CZP

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Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

~~~~~

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

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Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

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Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

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Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

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What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

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Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

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How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

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How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook, they eat; we clean, they dirty; we iron, they wrinkle.

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How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

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How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

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What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

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What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

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What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

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This page was last edited 08/02/04.