Sorry guys!  There is just too much good stuff out there not to devote several pages to this subject.  But to be fair, we made a Female Bashing page as well!

 The Perfect Man
Author Unknown

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

Submitted by Sandy

~~~~~

Too Rough

    A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
    Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Submitted by SandyD707

~~~~~

Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Submitted by SueCrave

~~

For more Comebacks, see ButlerWebs' separate page for:
Insults, Comebacks & Pick-Up Lines

~~~~~

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

~~~~~

    Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
    While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Submitted by Zaxgram

~~~~~

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

~~~~~

The Frog and The Princess

    Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a beautiful meadow near her castle.
    The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my dear, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
    That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a feast of lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so."

~~~~~

    A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"
    The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!"
    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds  the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
    MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen.

Submitted by Kara & Phil

~~~~~

MEN ARE LIKE...
Submitted by SueC

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like ... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like ... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

~~~~~

Thumbnail View
Submitted by Seps32

~~~~~

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

~~~~~

• Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

• They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

• They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

• They growl when they are not happy.

• When you want to play, they want to play.

• When you want to be alone, they want to play.

• They leave their toys everywhere.

• They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

• They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Submitted by Kara

~~~~~

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men -- but married men are a lot more willing to die.

~~~~~

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

~~~~~

This explains it...
MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

Submitted by Kara

~~~~~

BEDTIME PRAYER FOR WOMEN..

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.

One who pulls out my chair & opens my door,
massages my back & begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, "How big is my behind?

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
in the hall, the pool, the garden and kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the Shit Head you sent me instead!!!

Amen

~~~~~

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

~~~~~

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

~~~~~

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This page was last edited 08/02/04.