Sorry guys!  There is just too much good stuff out there not to devote several pages to this subject.  But to be fair, we made a Female Bashing page as well!

     A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After the checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
     He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress."
     "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television."
     "And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
     On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
     "You're going to die," she replied .

Submitted by Wax

~~~~~

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman

    I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
     For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
     Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
     Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
      Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

    Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

• Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.

• Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

• Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.  But not St. Nick. Not a chance.  As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

    I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

Author Unknown

~~~~~

Men are like snowstorms.  You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Submitted by Richie

~~~~~

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

~~~~~

If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.

~~~~~

Two new additions to periodic table of elements:

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Submitted by SLG

~~~~~

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -- Charlotte Whitton

~~~~~

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

~~~~~

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

~~~~~

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

~~~~~

Mental Anxiety
Menopause
Mental Breakdown
Ever noticed that all problems start with men?

Submitted by Pouderpuf

~~~~~

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -- Robin Williams

~~~~~

Definition of a bachelor:
A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

~~~~~

Women don't make fools of men.
Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

~~~~~

Best way to get a man to do something:
Suggest they are too old for it.

~~~~~

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

~~~~~

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

~~~~~

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

~~~~~

Sadly, all men are created equal.

~~~~~

Bumper Stickers

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Grow your own dope -- Plant a man!

All men are animals.  Some just make better pets.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

~~~~~

~~~~~

Women are Smarter Than Men

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men, and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a very touching speech about how she would give up her life to save the others because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

And all of the men started clapping....

~~~~~

    There's three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." 
    The mermaid says: "Done."
    Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. 
    The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." 
    The mermaid says: "Done." 
    The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc. 
    The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: Quintuple my I.Q." 
    The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." 
    The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
    "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" 
    But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.

~~~~~

What it actually means...

• "I'M GOING FISHING":
  Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

• "IT'S A GUY THING"
  Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

• "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
  Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

• "UH HUH, SURE HONEY," or, "YES, DEAR."
  Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

• "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
  Translated: "I haven't the foggiest."

• "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST . . . I HAVE LOTS OF THINGS ON MY MIND."
  Translated: "Is that woman over there wearing a bra?"

• "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
  Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

• "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
  Translated: "Are you still talking?"

• "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
  Translated: "I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I've ever owned, I just forgot your birthday."

• "I DUNNO . . . I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND I GOT YOU THESE ROSES. . ."
  Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

• "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
  Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

• "I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
  Translated: ". . . and I sure hope I think of some soon."

• "I CAN'T FIND IT."
  Translated: "It didn't fall into my out stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

• "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
  Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

• "I HEARD YOU."
  Translated: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find out."

• "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
  Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse."

• "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
  Translated: "Oh God, please don't try on MORE clothes."

• "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
  Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again.

~~~~~

    A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00."
    The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?"
    The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."

Submitted by Seps32

~~~~~

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

~~~~~

~~~~~

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This page was last edited 10/26/05.