How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

~~~~~

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
A Doberman Pinscher.

~~~~~

What did the lawyer name his daughter? 
Sue.

~~~~~

    At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
    "Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"
    "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do." 

~~~~~

Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

~~~~~

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

~~~~~

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

~~~~~

How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? 
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

~~~~~ 

    A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
    The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
    The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. No where in the world is there so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
    At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it.

~~~~~

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

~~~~~

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

~~~~~

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

~~~~~

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.

~~~~~

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

~~~~~

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
An anvil.

~~~~~

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

~~~~~

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

~~~~~

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

~~~~~

    A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."
    The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground.  You must be a lawyer." 

~~~~~

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

~~~~~

Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

~~~~~

Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? 
New Jersey got first pick.

~~~~~

I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

~~~~~

    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
    "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
    The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
    The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

~~~~~

Revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it,
the whole truth as I believe it to be,
and nothing but what I think you need to know.

~~~~~

Q.  Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
A.  People were confused about which side to spit on.

~~~~~

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

~~~~~

Lawyers are like nuclear warheads.
 You gotta have them because the other guy has them.

~~~~~

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

~~~~~

"It was so cold during a Canadian Winter that the lawyer had their hands in their own pockets!"

Submitted by Kienapple

~~~~~

    A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.
    One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking.  He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.  He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
    "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
    "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
    The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD."
    Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
    "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

~~~~~

    A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
    This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
    She responded, "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."
    "My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."
    "My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."
    "My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'"
    "My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."
    "My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
    "My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
    "My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."
    "My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."
    "My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
    "My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
    "My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
    "Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!" 

~~~~~

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

Have you ever heard of the Stella Awards?

Ever since a jury ordered McDonald's to pay more than $2M damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeeck after she spilt coffee and scalded herself, the annual "Stella" Award has been granted to the person who successfully brings the most ridiculous lawsuit in the US. There are already plenty to choose from this year.

• Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses from a neighbor who drove his car over Truman's hand. Truman was lying on the ground, out of sight, stealing the hubcaps.

• Burglar Terrence Dickson from Pennsylvania lived for eight days on Pepsi and dry dog biscuits after a faulty electric door trapped him in the garage of the home he had just robbed. The homeowner was ordered to pay $500,000 for Dickson's mental anguish.

• Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 after being bitten by a beagle chained in its owner's yard. Williams had climbed into the yard and was shooting the beagle with a pellet gun.

• A Philadelphia restaurant had to pay $113,500 to Amber Carson after she injured herself by slipping on a can she had thrown on the floor during an argument with her boyfriend.

• Kara Walton of Delaware won $12,000 and dental expenses from a nightclub after falling from a bathroom window. The accident happened as she was trying to climb through the window to avoid paying the $3.50 entrance fee.

~~~~~

Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor. "Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

~~~~~

    A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, Officer: Do you have a locker room in the police station? A room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

    With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line and thinks he'll win.

~~~~~

    During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman. He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" 
    Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."

~~~~~

    The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross.
    The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.  "You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community.  How do you reconcile that?"
    The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, "If you only knew...
    My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income.  My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.  My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident."
    Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits.
    The lawyer nodded and said, "Exactly...Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!"

~~~~~

     An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
     Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
     One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
     Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
     God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
     Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."
     God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
     Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Submitted by M5Now

~~~~~

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

     A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
     Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
     The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
     St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!"

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