"There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth."
-- Jean Giradoux

~~~~~

     A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
     On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great outdoors.
     Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
     The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
     "He's in 'that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
     He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
     "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
     "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

~~~~~

Jury (n):  A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer. 

~~~~~

    A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
    Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
    The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
    The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
    Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

~~~~~

Judge: Where were you between five and six?
Defendant:  In kindergarten!

~~~~~

    A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
    The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
    "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
    "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

~~~~~

     A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
     Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live" and jumped out.
     The lawyer then said, "I am the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
     The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
     The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack."

~~~~~

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A. It's called Sosumi.

~~~~~

     In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. 
     Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
     "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" 
     "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Submitted by RayP

~~~~~

Have you seen the recent news bulletin?
"Terrorists abduct bus load of attorneys."

Note from terrorists:
"Unless you meet our demands, we will release one hostage a day!"

~~~~~

     A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and two million."   The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and one million."
     The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will -- well you are wrong. “Hi Dan!

~~~~~

    The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
    The student replied, "Here's an orange."
    The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
    The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

~~~~~

    A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep." 
    The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

~~~~~

      There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident.
     They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancé and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"  St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
      Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
     Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
      Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
      The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
      So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

~~~~~

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.  And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- George Burns

~~~~~

     One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
     To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
    The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?".
    St. Peter lets him through the gate.
    St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring
into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
    The garbage man guesses: "1228"
    "That happens to be right; go ahead."
    St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

~~~~~

     As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
     "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

~~~~~

     Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.
     "Oh, my!" said the bunny.  I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I cant see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
     "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
     "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.
     So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
     "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me. So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be an attorney."

~~~~~

Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er,
Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
Said the client, "Tell me how
You can be friends, who fought just now."
"Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen,
Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."

-- Burl Ives --

~~~~~

    A Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
    Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
    The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
    Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
    Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
    The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
    Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
    Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
    Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!"

~~~~~

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

~~~~~

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it? 
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

~~~~~

"Big Man in a Small Town" - Rated G

    Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he  could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
    One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
    This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
    The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

~~~~~

    A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
    The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
    The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
    The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullsh*t, come!" Bullsh*t entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullsh*t immediately screwed the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

~~~~~

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