A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
    The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
    "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
    The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
    Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.
    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.  The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
    The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

~~~~~~~~~~

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

~~~~~~~~~~

    A man was sound asleep on a rainy night and was aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM.
    His wife says, "Answer the door!".
    So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".
    The man says, "It's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door. He goes back to bed. And his wife says, "What was that all about?"
    The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"
    The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen.
    He hollered, "Do you still need help?" "Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"
    Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."
    The man says, "Where are you?"
    The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!"

~~~~~~~~~~

"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'" - Dave George

~~~~~~~~~~

    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." 
    "And why not, darling?" the father asked.
    "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

~~~~~~~~~~

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
    But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and  compassion.  After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.  Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
    Swoooop! A torso pops out!
    The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
    Swoooop! Two arms pop out. 
    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.  By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
    Swoooop! Two legs pop out. 
    The bar is in chaos.  The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
    The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.  Then to the right -- right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
    The bar falls silent. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Submitted by FrogLady

~~~~~~~~~~

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

~~~~~~~~~~

     Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
     "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
     "What fer?" asked Bubba.
     "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
     Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
     "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

~~~~~~~~~~

    A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.  At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.  After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.  Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
    The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.  The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
    "No, it isn't," giggled the driver.  "I'm the designated decoy!"

Submitted by SLGraber

~~~~~~~~~~

    George walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, George started to leave.
    "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what George had done, "what was that all about?"
    "Nothin', said George, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

~~~~~~~~~~

    An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
    The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
    The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
    The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Compliments of CodaZepp

~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Compliments of CodaZepp

~~~~~~~~~~

    This guy who stutters badly, walks into a Bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".  The Bartender, who is badly Humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, " That will be $2.50 please!"
    The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
    The bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
    The guy pays him and drinks it down.  He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease!
    The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please!".
    The guy says" Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
    The bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
    The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving he says" Bbbartender tthanks for nnott mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere!"
    The bartender said, "Oh that's OK! I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were here."
    The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK, eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh...I ttthougt it wwas yyour ASS!

~~~~~~~~~~

    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
    Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

~~~~~~~~~~

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Drinking, Partying & Hang-over Humor - Page 2

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This page was last edited 02/03/05.