An elderly fellow was taken to the hospital for an examination of his circulatory system.  When he got home, his wife asked what had happened. He replied, "They worked this gadget into my artery and up into my heart, and then they sucked out thirty years of chocolate cake."

~~~~~

~~~~~

The good news is Dear Abby and Dr. Laura have both approved sex for old people. The bad news is they expect us to have sex with other old people.

~~~~~

The Old Man and The Beaver

     A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
     "I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child.  What do you think about that?"
     The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story.  I know a guy who's an avid hunter.  He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him.  He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."
     That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
     "Exactly", said the doctor.

~~~~~

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Submitted by JoeP

~~~~~

Man's 3 Rules For Getting Old:
Never pass a bathroom.
Don't waste a hard-on.
Never trust a fart.

~~~~~

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

~~~~~

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
- Helen Hayes (at 73)

~~~~~

Success is ...

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

~~~~~

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on  the same night. -- Dave Barry

~~~~~

JACKSON, Mississippi - Bachelor Trenton Wilgins has gone public with some startling news.  He says that he has finally lost his virginity at the tender age of eighty-two! He waited this long because he wanted to save himself for marriage but couldn't wait any longer.  Trenton said, "I didn't want to die without having sex just once." Bizarre readers might want to know what the octogenarian thought of his roll in the hay?  "The sex was okay, but it's not as good as a mess of barbecued ribs." 

~~~~~

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

~~~~~

Seen on A T-Shirt:
'Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up'

Source:  From E-mail Poetic License Newsletter from AGiftofPoetry.com
(Really neat Web site!)

~~~~~

   An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.  "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer.  "Tell me, how old are you?"
   "I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
   "Eighty-four!  And how old is your husband?"
   "My husband is eighty-seven."
   "My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
   "Next September will be sixty-two years."
   "Married sixty-two years?!  Why would you want a divorce now?"
   "Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

~~~~~

Did you ever notice how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older?  They must be cramming for their finals!

~~~~~

    An older couple was lying in bed one night . The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
    Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
    Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
    Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."
    Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

Submitted by JoeP

~~~~~

Wrinkles:  Something other people have. You have character lines.

~~~~~

You know you're getting older when you bend over in the morning to tie your shoes and realize you didn't take them off the night before.

~~~~~

The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all, lead in the pants.

~~~~~

The most frustrating thing about getting older is that every time you see an expensive antique, you remember one just like it you once threw away.

~~~~~

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

~~~~~

Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

~~~~~

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

~~~~~

    A woman became ill and was admitted to the hospital. When her attending physician arrived, she asked, "Doctor, what is wrong with me?"
    He replied, "Mrs. Jones, you have acute appendicitis."
    Her answer: "Oh, Doctor, you say the nicest things!"

~~~~~

I bought some of that "Gingko" that's supposed to improve your memory, but I forgot where I put it.

~~~~~

You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

~~~~~

In dog years, I'm dead.
I'd be much better off being a cat.  You get nine tries.

~~~~~

Is this what we all have to look forward to?

    A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.
    The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink The woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
    The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too.
    The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
    "Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
    The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue!!"

Submitted by Sassy

~~~~~

Cowboy Boots

    An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always  wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on  sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
     He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
     Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
     Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look.  Notice anything different about me?"
     Bessie looks again, "Nope."
     Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.  Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
     Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
     Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING  DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
     To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam...Shoulda bought a hat."

Submitted by Nancy

~~~~~

25 Signs You've Grown Up

• Your potted plants are alive, and you can't smoke a one of them.

• Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

• 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

• You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

• You watch the Weather Channel.

• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

• You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

• You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

• You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

• Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

• You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

• You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.

• Dinner and a movie ... the WHOLE date instead of the beginning of one.

• Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

• You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

• You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

• "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

• Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

• You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

~~~~~

The Perks of Being Over 40...

• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyhow.

• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

• People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

• Things you buy now won't wear out.

• You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

• You can live without sex but not without glasses.

• You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

• You sing along with elevator music.

• Your eyes won't get much worse.

• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

• No one expects you to run into a burning building.

See Butler Webs' General Category:
OLDER FOLKS
Interesting items about those of us who are
"over the hill", aging, "mid-life", elderly,
senior citizens, and even more humor!

~~~~~

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This page was last edited 05/03/05.