A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.   As the bartender gives her her drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday".
    The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."
    As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."
    The old woman says, "All right! Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
    "OK!" says the bartender.
    As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one, too."
    The old woman says, "All right!  Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
    "Comin' right up!" the bartender says.  As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am,  I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
    The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

Submitted by GoneHuntin2

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.
(It's more like Splat!)

~~~~~

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...
and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

~~~~~

   Q: How do you know when you're old?
A: When you can date someone half your age without breaking the law.

~~~~~

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:

• "Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

• "Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Denise Does Dialysis."

• "Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

• "Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

• "Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

• "Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"

~~~~~

Elderly Drivers

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
    After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right though.
    This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
    She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention to the road, and the next intersection to see what was going on.
    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Don't you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
    Mildred turned to her and said "Oh Damn! Am I driving?"

~~~~~

    Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
    Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Submitted by Adiastar00

~~~~~

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

~~~~~

    Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher comes by. The flasher stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
    The first old lady had a stroke.
    Then the second old lady had a stroke.
    But the third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.

~~~~~

    My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes.  That's when I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head.  He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head.  Does it hurt?"
    After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."   -- Reader's Digest

~~~~~

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

~~~~~

Seen on a T-Shirt:

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount!

~~~~~

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

~~~~~

I'm A Senior Citizen

• I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m., I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

• I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

• I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid...

• I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

• I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

• I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

• I'm very good at telling stories.....over and over and over and over.

• I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

• I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care...

• I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...

• I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

• I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

• I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

• I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies...

• I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory...

• I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

• I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors...absolutely nothing!

• I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

• I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.

• I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

• I'm supporting all movements now.... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

• I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the
  storeroom.

• I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my
  life!!!!

• Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send
  it to many More! You didn't, did you?

~~~~~

The Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spreads out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral." 

Submitted By:
Soopertam
Stonehaven

~~~~~

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

~~~~~

FAVORITE THINGS

New words for an old song From The Sound of Music's "A Few of My Favorite Things":

Maalox and nosedrops and needles for knittin',
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favorite things
and then I don't feel so bad 

Hot tea and crumpets,
and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food
and no food with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads
and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains,
confused brains,
and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures
and hair that is thinnin'.
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD 
AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOO BAAAD.

Author Unknown
Submitted by Froggy

~~~~~

    An 82-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. The doctor cautioned him about his age and sent him home with a lecture on the proper lifestyle. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
    At his follow up visit, the doctor said to the man, "You must really be doing great!"
    The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
    The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful!" 

~~~~~

Age

It's only natural that a person becomes quieter as he grows older. He's got more to keep quiet about. 

~~~~~

See Butler Webs' General Category:
OLDER FOLKS
Interesting items about those of us who are "over the hill", aging, "mid-life", elderly, senior citizens, and even more humor!

~~~~~

More Babyboomer Pages From ButlerWebs:
[ Baby Boomers - Page 1 ]
[ Babyboomers - Page 2 ] [ Babyboomers - Page 3 ] [ Babyboomers - Page 4 ]

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This page was last edited 05/03/05.