Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. -- George Carlin

Click Here for ButlerWebs' separate page for:
Insects & Bugs
With bug jokes!

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Click Here for ButlerWebs' separate page for:
Cats & Kittens
With cat & kitten jokes!

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"This morning I got up and shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How the elephant got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
-- Groucho Marx
(Submitted by Spud J.)

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Said an elephant lady who poses,
"My beautiful cheeks are like roses,
But it's true that I get
A little upset
When they talk about cute little noses."

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From Peter Marshall's List of Favorite Answers from "Hollywood Squares":

Q.  Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.  PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

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A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:

The election is over, the results are known, 
the will of the people has clearly been shown. 
Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds, 
we will give our leader all the help that he needs. 
So let's all get together, and let bitterness pass, 
I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

Submitted by Bubba

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Click Here for ButlerWebs' separate page for:
Fish & Sea Life
With fish jokes!

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Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out
hunting for food? 
A: 'Let us prey.'

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Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

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Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair,
Fuzzy Wuzzy was arrested for indecent exposure
and is now serving time in the state pen.

Submitted by SueC

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    A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and..........
(Several minutes later) ........tonic please?"
    The barman serves him and says, "Sure, but why the large pause?"
    Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them."

Submitted by Cicec

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    Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself.  He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. 
    The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
    The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."
    A magical sound and it was done.
    Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
    This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
    It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female."
    A magical sound and it was done.
    The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
    Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
    The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
    A magical sound and it was done.
    The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay!" and took off like a bat out of hell!

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I Wish I Was A Bear...

    If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
    Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
    If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
    Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He also expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
    I wish I was a bear.

Submitted by Frog

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For more animal humor, information, Did You Know Fun Facts,
links to relevant sites, and more, see our ButlerWebs'
General Webs for ANIMALS

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Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

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Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a sheep with a porcupine?
They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

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A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."

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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? -- George Carlin

~~~~~

    Rodney went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. Rodney waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pull his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage. 
    All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. Rodney rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat Rodney senseless. When he came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained, "In gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means 'screw you'". 
    The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left, Rodney became madder and madder. He plotted his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. 
    Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, Rodney put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same. Then Rodney picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

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What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? -- George Carlin

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If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? -- George Carlin

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? -- George Carlin

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Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? -- George Carlin

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The Three Pigs

    Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.
    One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
    So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
    Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
    So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs house and said," Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down."
    So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said " I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
    A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him.  Then one of them pulled out a gun and fired killing the wolf.  Then they got back into their limo and drove off.
    The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!  "Who the heck were those guys?" they asked.
    "Those were my cousins from Jersey -- the Guinea Pigs."

Submitted by Bubba

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What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies!
Submitted by Natalia

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Aford Turtle
by Aaron Riddle
The Best Turtle Comic Strip on the Web!
You can receive daily "Aford" Cartoons in your mail!
Be sure to visit Aaron's Web site - www.afordturtle.com - It's great!

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Cat's Diary

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This is adorable!  Click on the words to advance the page.
Caught in the Act

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Cyranus
Cartoons with a twist!
A hilarious collection of authentic cartoons.
www.cyranus.com
With a section just for Animal Cartoons

~~~~~

Fine Pet ID Tags
Pet ID Tags, Dog ID Tags, Cat ID Tags 
for Lovely Pets
Web site: http://www.finepetidtags.com

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Squirrel Fishing

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Compliments of When Words Collide ~ Pun Comics ~
http://puns.mindbluff.com/puncom50.htm
One of our favorite Web sites!  Be sure to check out MindBluff.com !!!

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Quick Links to More Animal, Pet & Critter Humor Pages from ButlerWebs:
Dogs & Puppies - 2 Pages!
Birds & Feathered Friends

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[ General Webs - Home Page & Index ]
With a separate section just for Animals, Pets & Critters

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This page was last edited 04/19/05.