Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.  He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
     When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.  But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
    However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
    To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!

~~~~~

     On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.  The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
     "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
     Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said.  "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
      "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
     The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.  The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.  She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she asked.
     "No," Little Johnny answered.
     The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.  "Is it champagne?" she asked.
     "No," he answered.
     Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
     Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

~~~~~

Dog Fight

     The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner, they were going to low up the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the biggest meanest fighting dog the world has ever seen.  Whichever country lost would have to lay down its arms.
     The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest and the strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the siblings and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.  It's cage needed steel bars five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
     When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a 9-foot long dachshund.  Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.
     When the cages opened up, the dachshund came out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage but when it got close enough to bite the American dog's neck, the dachshund opened its mouth and swallowed the Russian dog whole.  There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
     The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world."
     "Really", the Americans replied.  "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a dachshund.

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

I have a carpenter dog...it does little odd jobs around the house.

~~~~~

What is a Dog?
(According to a woman)

• Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
• They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
• They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
• They growl when they are not happy.
• When you want to play, they want to play.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They are great at begging.
• They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
• They leave their toys everywhere.
• They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats.

Submitted by Zaxgram

~~~~~

The Couch Trip

     A sad Bassett Hound was telling his troubles to his friend.  "I'm depressed. I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored and always tired."
     "Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.
     "Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch."

Submitted by SandyD

~~~~~

Top 10 Ways to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog:

10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
9.  The dog's nails have been cut with pinking chears.
8.  The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7.  The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
6.  That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5.  You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing a #2 rosette tip.
4.  Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3.  A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.
2.  You dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE #1 WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1.  The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Submitted by SandyD

~~~~~

Rules For Puppies

• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

• I will not roll on dead birds, fish, rodents, etc.

• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

• And should I forget, I will not lick my human's face after eating "Kitty box crunchies".

• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose against her bottom end.

• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Submitted by Bubba

~~~~~

I had a dog with no legs.  I used to call him Marlboro.
Every night I'd take him out for a quick drag.

~~~~~

    A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
    The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
    Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
    Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." 
    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
    The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
    Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

From AlphaArs

~~~~~

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Submitted by Shortstop18

~~~~~

Classified ad seen in the Minden, LA Press-Herald:
"Puppies, $20.
Mother reg. sheltie. Father sly small black unethical under-the-fence-digging dog.

~~~~~

    Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country.
    Well, after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out.  After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leapt on the Doberman and killed it outright.
    The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turned to the other farmer and asked, "What kind of dog did you say yours is?"
    The first farmer replied, "Well before he lost his tail, we called him a Mountain Lion!"

Compliments of CodaZepp

~~~~~

What Your Dog Does While You're At Work
Submitted by Kara

~~~~~

    A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
    After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.  As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

~~~~~

How many dogs are needed to change a light bulb?

• Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb?

• Australian Shepherd:  First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

• Beagle:  Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?

• Border Collie:  Just one?  And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

• Boxer:  Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

• Chihuahua:  Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

• Cocker Spaniel:  Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

• Collie:  No, don't change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me sleeping on the couch.

• Chinese Crested: I can put it in, I can jump and spin!

• Dachshund:  You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!

• Doberman Pinscher:  While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

• German Shepherd:  Alright, everyone stop where you are!  Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

• Golden Retriever:  The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

• Greyhound:  It isn't moving. Who cares?

• Hound Dog:  Zzzzzzzzzz...

• Irish Wolfhound:  Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.

• Italian Greyhound: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

• Jack Russell Terrier:  I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

• Labrador Retriever:  Oh, me, me!!  Pleeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

• Malamute:  Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

• Mastiff:  Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

• Old English Sheep Dog:  Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

• Pointer:  I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

• Poodle:  I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

• Rottweiler:  Go ahead.  Make me!

• Shiba-Inu:  Zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark!

• Shitzu: Puh-leeez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing.

• Springer: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

• Cat:  You need light to see?

Thanks for the updates Stargate!

~~~~~

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you!"
    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"
    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
    "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
    The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus"!

~~~~~

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This page was last edited 02/03/05.