Jonathan who is noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone.
    "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice.
    Jonathan thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.
    The next morning at four o'clock, Jonathan called back his neighbor.  "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

~~~~~

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My dog's pregnant
Because of you.

Submitted by Adias02

~~~~~

    Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.  He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
    When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.  But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. 
    However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" 
    To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!

~~~~~

"I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it.  Just hold it out the window and squeeze." -- Anothony Clark

~~~~~

    There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.  The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
    The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.  We've got dogs with us."
    The buddy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead."  They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
    The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
    The bouncer says, "A Doberman?"
    He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
    The man at the door says, "Come on in."
    The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
    Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
    The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand.  This is my seeing-eye dog."
    The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
    The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

~~~~~

"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."  - Jay Leno

~~~~~

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."
-- Steven Wright

~~~~~

One day after a nasty streak of bad weather, I asked my teenaged son to take our dog out for a long walk after school. When I came home from work, I found my son stretched out on the recliner. He had leash in hand while the dog trotted happily away on the treadmill.

~~~~~

You Know You Are a Dog Person When...
(Author unknown)

• You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

• Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

• You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

• The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

• You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

• You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

• You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids.

• You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

• You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

• You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day.  Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

• Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

• You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

• You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.

• You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...)

• Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

• You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.

• You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

• You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

• You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

• Your jewelry box contains no jewels ... just those fasteners from vari-kennels.

• Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed.

• Your house isn't carpeted - the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough ...

• Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"

• At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before putting it on the table.

• You put important papers in the latest issue of your breed magazine ... you know you will find them there.

• You have dog hair stuck to the tape on wrapped gifts.

• You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog into the shiny, new vehicle to make sure it works!

• You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the front so you have room for crates...

• You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.

• When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it...

~~~~~

The American Kennel Club has decided to recognize these new breeds of dogs that are the result of cross breeding:
Collie + Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot.
Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Pekingese + Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever:  Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.
Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Poodle + Min Pin: PooPin, a dog for constipated people.

Submitted by Cupycake with additions by Hexie

~~~~~

The Dog & The Funeral

     A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
    The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
    The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
    "What happened to her?"
    The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
    He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
    The man answered, "My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. 
    "Can I borrow the dog?"
    "Get in line."

~~~~~

    This guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale."  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.  The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yep," the mutt replies.
    "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    The owner says "Ten dollars."
    The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
    The owner replies, "Because he's such a liar.

~~~~~

Rules For Puppies

• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

• I will not roll on dead birds, fish, rodents, etc.

• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

• And should I forget, I will not lick my human's face after eating "Kitty box crunchies".

• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose against her bottom end.

• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Submitted by Bubba

~~~~~

"We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet." -- Rita Rudner

~~~~~

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Submitted by SueCrave

~~~~~

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces:  "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
  -- Groucho Marx

Submitted by Seps32

There's More!  Click Here To Go To Dog & Puppy Humor - Page 2

This is adorable!  Click on the words to advance the page.
Caught in the Act

~~~~~

PetPeeved.com
A great comic strip by Lew Smith
A new cartoon Monday - Friday

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This page was last edited 04/07/05.