The Old Man and The Beaver

     A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
     "I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child.  What do you think about that?"
     The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story.  I know a guy who's an avid hunter.  He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him.  He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."
     That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
     "Exactly", said the doctor.

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Mumba Snake

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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

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    A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
    "Where's Henry?"
    "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
    "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
    "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

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    Two guys go hunting.  Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.  When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
    When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.  He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
    Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really tried!!  When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound.  When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.  But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said - 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?', I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

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    Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
    The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
    Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."
    After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
    After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
    The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.

Submitted by Froglady

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    The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season.  I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
    One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

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Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Submitted by Shortstop18

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    Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. 
    They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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Sometimes being first isn't what you expected...

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    A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
    I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Submitted by Shortstop18

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?

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Thumbnail View

Submitted by H.R.

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